Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Yesterday, on the spur of the moment, I accepted an invitation to join two men in a threesome that at least held the promise of some excitement. The host was a man I had chatted with before, who seemed to have at least a couple of characteristics--he is fit, with a decently large cock--that I find attractive in men. His friend was almost completely unknown, other than the fact that he is young, which can sometimes be a turnon for me. This was actually the first all-male threesome I'd attended in which I had never met either of the partners involved. Perhaps I should learn from the experience. I arrived in the older man's very nice apartment--is it inappropriate when engaging in group sex to find oneself distracted by a handsome prewar apartment building and a gorgeously appointed apartment?--to find both men naked, the younger one lying on his back on the bed, passively accepting oral service from the older one. I was briefly greeted by the older man, who immediately returned to his strenuous oral ministrations on his friend, leaving me unsure as to how to proceed. Even in the relative gloom of the bedroom, I could tell that neither man was particularly attractive. Some men might have left of course. I, on the other hand, removed my clothes. Eventually the older man took a break from his friend on the bed and dropped to his knees to service me. His oral technique could best be described as a one-speed vacuum cleaner approach, with intense, constant, and almost painfully hard sucking seemingly being his one and only approach to the problem of my less than entirely hard cock. After a bit of work produced little or no improvement, he returned to his friend. I moved to the other side of the bed in hopes of engaging the younger man in some--in any--kind of interaction, but he simply lay motionless, like some gigantic blow-up sex doll, passively receiving his friend's enthusiastic servicing. I found next to nothing appealing about him--he was overweight and his cock was average sized at best. (His friend was able to deepthroat him with no effort whatsoever.) I returned to my station beside the bed, the older man returned to me, and eventually my cock sprung to full life, a situation which did not cause my service specialist to alter his one-note approach in the least. Eventually I lay down on the bed next to passive sex-doll boy and stroked his cock while the older man brought me off to an admittedly copious orgasmic release. "There are towels in the bathroom if you want one," my host told me, speaking 10 of the approximately 20 words spoken during the entire encounter. I went to the bathroom, cleaned up, quickly put on my clothes, and with little more than a wave, was out the door and gone.
While many men are terrified of their own latent homosexuality and react to even a hint of same-sex attraction by going to a bar, watching several football games, and getting into a fight with the biggest guy they can find, I am of the opposite mind and am disappointed to find myself confronted with more and more evidence that I am really not all that attracted to men. For a sex addict, this is very bad news, since such a conclusion, if allowed to become determinative, will severely limit the number of sex partners available. Men are just so damned easy, so plentiful, so open to meeting at the drop of a hat, that shutting the door on them seems just too painful to even consider. Any reasonably thoughtful non-addict would have accepted this conclusion a long time ago, of course. But somehow I keep hoping that the next man will be different, that I will eventually find the holy grail, i.e. a man just as slutty as I am, with a hard smooth body, a big cock, and an attraction to me as strong as mine to him. The incredible thing is how this search continues in spite of the now massive quantities of evidence suggesting its futility. I would guess that I have had sex of one sort or another with some 200 men or so.... and I can count on one hand the number that I was genuinely attracted to. This compares to my experience with women, virtually **all** of whom I was easily and effortlessly attracted to. What does that tell you about my general sexual predilections? But, as I've said often, in a pinch, a sex addict will take what he can get, and often the easiest solution is a man. In spite of all my equivocating, I suspect that will continue....
Thank God, there appear to be two new female candidates, one of them very promsing indeed. Sadly M. seems to be slipping away, with serious issues at home dominating her time and her emotional energy. (Can you believe it? Someone for whom the promise of an intense and pleasurable sexual experience is not the sole determinant of her behavior? Bizarre!) Of course I will stay in touch, but I'm not optimistic about the situation. More on the new candidates as soon as I know more.....
Monday, September 28, 2009
Of course I am in no position whatsoever to take the moral high ground here as I am under no illusion that my addiction will not continue to drive me forward, in spite of any ethical qualms I may be harboring. And here is an unanswerable question: Why is it that my shame is triggered by Dopey but not by my liaisons with women, or even by many of my meetings with more attractive men? Is there something particularly shameful about my ability to get it up for anything that moves?
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Friday, September 18, 2009
I returned to several emails from potential candidates, all of whom seem to present some logistical challenges, so I'm not sure whether any of them will pan out. My dominant friend, D., seems to have disappeared. My friend, M., with whom I shared a wonderful afternoon, has gone largely quiet too. And B., with whom I have had sex on and off for several years, now seems loathe to meet, though we do remain good friends. What is an addict to do? Keep hunting of course. According to the timetable given to me by P., the woman who summarily rejected me upon discovering that I was not as young as she had hoped (in spite of my being entirely clear about my age from the start) and who later surprised me by expressing some interest nonetheless, it is time for me to get back in touch. We'll see about that one. And, as always, there are plenty of men hoping to connect....
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Meanwhile, things have picked up here at home, with three legitimate female candidates suddenly in the picture. The pictures I have seen of two of them do not fill me with overwhelming desire, but when it comes to women I can be very easily turned on, so I will probably pursue all the options. The third seems the most interesting to me for a variety of reasons. She seems to be the smartest of the three; she is also tall, which is a turnon; and she seems very savvy about the nature of these connections and what she can and cannot expect to gain from them. All very appealing indeed.
See Sugasm #172 in the post below this one. It is a compilation of some of the best sex-oriented blogging available. I encourage you to check it out....
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #173? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
A Hot Fuck in a Parking Lot
“We got more daring and soon clothes were a hindrance to our insistent hands.”
I Think I’d Rather Misbehave
“I bet the secret thrill of this has your cock already climbing to attention.”
“He says something, small talk, and I stutter something back, lost in the blue depths of his eyes.”
Yet Another Reason You Should Buy a Vibrator
(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)
Erotic Writing & Experiences
24 Hours To Cum
Be Careful What You Wish For…
Embarrassed, Amused and Turned On
HNT 4 (and a savoury story)
A much needed fucking…
Now She’s Giving The Orders
This is Lolita on drugs (2)
This Is My Remedy
The Year 39 Update
You don’t want biographical info. I know what you REALLY want.
How Many Licks?
Thoughts on Sex & Relationships
The Confession…Coming Soon
Half-Nekkid Heavenly Body
In Search of…. my Clitoris
Is this the dark side of porn?
(Mis)Adventures In Dating: Do You Know Who I Am?
Nonstop Orgasms – HER Perspective
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Perhaps this is a good time to respond to a particularly astute reader, who sent me this comment on my last post: “I’ve never been very interested in any D/s play, but your post has really piqued my interest. I'm consistently impressed with your willingness to go to whatever lengths necessary to up the ante, even though I have to imagine that it simply can't be any better for you than an addiction to something like drugs or alcohol.”
I’ve actually thought a great deal about this comparison of sexual addiction to alcoholism or drug addiction. For a time I attended a 12-step program devoted to sex addiction, which proved to be an extremely interesting and educational experience even if it failed to stop my many sexual excesses. An astounding number of the participants were former alcoholics and drug addicts. And many of them described the effort to free themselves of their addiction to sex as much, much more difficult than their struggles with booze, cocaine, and even heroin. Many of them also had come to see the sexual addiction as to some extent the most fundamental of their addictions and the one that over the course of their lives had come to feed all the others. Needless to say, this puts the lie to the notion that sex addicts are just weak-willed self-centered hedonists who adopt the label of “addict” as an easy excuse for their behavior. A great many of the people I met in “the rooms” were miserably unhappy and desperately trying to find a way to prevent their “acting out” from destroying their lives any further than it already had. I admired their honesty and their bravery—and I still do.
The difference between an addiction to sex and an addiction to any external substance, of course, is that the sexual drive is an integral part of the human personality, something that simply cannot be denied for any length of time without doing other sorts of violence to the psyche. Hence my difficulty with the approach calling for total abstinence—even from masturbation—taken by many in the 12-step sex addiction community. Somehow I have found a way to make the addiction and the behaviors associated with it manageable. How is it that I’ve been able to accomplish that while so many others have become caught in an inescapable downward spiral into self-destruction? I won’t even attempt an answer to that except to suggest that I believe, contrary to much of the rhetoric in the 12-step recovery community, that addicts are *not* all alike, that addicts emerge from dramatically different contexts, that addicts come to their variety of compulsive behaviors from a wide variety of circumstances, and that addicts cope with their ailment in a wide variety of ways. The classic opening 12-step statement—"Hi, my name is Charlie, and I’m a sex addict”— and the inevitable response from the group—“Hi, Charlie!”—are meant to imply a solidarity among group members and to reinforce the commonality of experience all addicts are supposed to share. But is it really true? Listening to the stories, I could always identify with the feelings—frustration, pain, guilt, helplessness—but the experiences and the individual’s modes of behavior always seemed very, very individual, at least to me.
More on the 12-step programs later......
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